Saturday, December 31, 2011

It seems silly to say 'time flies', for various cliche reasons - none of which are worth mentioning here, but indeed it does. Another year gone and we're still kickin' on! 
Now that I've gotten that out of the way...
This is usually the part where you put down all the wonderful things that happened to you this year, followed by all that you're going to do next year. But if you really cared about that, you'd call me up and ask me to tell it to your face, instead of just reading it second hand on some automatic post that will appear eventually on my facebook timeline. And what's more, I don't care much for telling you, as I have already written this all down in my private journal and my hand is starting to cramp up from the process. Ah, look at me - the new year's not even begun and I'm already finding things to complain about. 
^ All things I'm thankful for, and am now telling you so I can avoid looking like a jerk.
I will, however, tell you those pesky new years resolutions I've drawn up. I figure it'll be my contribution to the holiday, as I'll be spending my evening doing what I do very often on new, not partying...yes, that's right: babysitting. Go ahead and look at me funny, but I don't mind - I do it a lot. And someday I'll need to steal some girl away from her family to watch my crazy kids, so I'll even out the universe then.

#1) Don't be such a slob Maddy!
I've been known for most of my life as the messy slob of the house, never quite having what could be considered as a 'clean' room (even when I moved out of it), and somehow never managing to exit a room without leaving some trail behind. This has been a work in progress for the past 20 years, and I'd like to think that I've accomplished something since I graduated high school, but unless learning how to be more creative with how I hide stuff counts as organization, than I'd be wrong. It's time to pull out the 'prized boxes' of junk and bring in the trash bags! Theoretically, the less stuff I have the less mess I'll be able to make.
Theoretically...what a beautiful and weird looking word.

I  have to major events coming up this year - both of which will cost me big in the money department. First, I have London in the fall, where I have applied to study abroad with the BYUI English department. The first $500 deposit I've paid for, but I've still got a long ways to go before I've covered the rest of the expenses. This has been on my plan list since I was 12 though, so I'll do whatever it takes to save those pennies.
Another 12 year old dream that just happens to coincide with my travel plans this year is a mission. The 17th of this month will mark my 'year away' point. I've been preparing for this one for years as well, but unfortunately the 12 year old mind doesn't think in fiscal terms...nor does the 19 year old one, apparently. While I have little currently set aside for these two events, I do have some, and that some will soon become enough so long as I learn that lesson I should have learned when walking came into the picture: 

#3) Read, read and read. Then write.
As always, my reading list has grown to substantially great heights, and it's time to tackle it once more. With the time I don't spend these next few months working for money, I will be hacking away at that monstrous list and hopefully leaving it behind with a noticeable dent. 
Than I'll do what every aspiring writing does: I'll steal their ideas and write the next great novel!

#4) Don't wait until New Years to make resolutions!
I've never had much trouble with this - I'm very good at coming up with plans.
I suppose it's the doing part that I'm skimpy with. So let me revise that beginning statement to read: 'Don't wait until New Years to start acting!'
I love that line in I Am a Child of God: "teach me all that I must do" - what an inspired change, from 'know' to 'do'. If I have one wish for this year, it is that I will finally learn when to stop thinking and start acting. There is much still I have to learn, but I have long since passed the point where idle observation is acceptable.

So I suppose the real motto for my new year should be: 'MADDY! GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING TODAY!'

Ah, what a wonderful message.

Happy New Years to you all! 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Heels touch the ground like
A battering ram on a dam wall:
Applying just enough pressure to
Spill out the wet river
Of dark red and black.

Swimming in inflamed
Tears of blood, splinters around my toes
And feet make me add salt to the flow.
Oh my poor damaged soles:
Never again whole!

The sun dries the flood
Of color on my feet, but it does
Nothing to end the knowledge of sleep -
Deprivation ahead.
And my sores now think -

All this from a little midnight snack?

an app for that?

I realized today, while doing some life pondering in the shower, that I don't look at people when I talk to them. I have a real eye contact problem. I mean this seems to happen no matter what!
Someone will ask me a question, and I'm like "all eyes on you!" but then when I go to respond my focus will wander from just them, to everything around them, as if the tree to their left has an opinion to offer up as well or something. I always feel bad about this stupid issue I have, but never enough to stop looking at the tree, or the piece of fluff in the air right by their ear. Sometimes I do this weird skipping around thing, where I'll look at the tree, then their nose, then a cloud to the right, then back at their nose again - never quite directly in their eyes, and before I know it I'm dizzy in the head and can't remember my train of thought or anything I just said and I begin rambling on and on about something that I think might answer their question, but then I get off on this long tangent like I am now and before you know it I'm ending with an "and, like...yeah..."

Friday, December 2, 2011


When I wake up this morning, I feel like Alexander - sure that it will be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, and VERY bad day. No real surprises there - that's normally how you feel after a rough night's rest and a late start in the morning. And it had been a very rough night.
After waking up, I make the brilliant decision to stay in bed for a few more seconds, you know - so I can "plan out my day", and all that jazz. Two seconds later and it's now 11. I'm to meet with some classmates in 10 minutes to run over our lines, so I roll out of bed, throw on a sweatshirt and jeans and run out the door. It quickly proves to be colder than sweatshirt weather, but I'm already late so I decide to just cut through buildings and tough it out. When I reach the library to print off my lines for class, I find the only available computer shut down. So I reboot it and decided to order a breakfast from the library cafe while I wait. I figure it'd be smart to get something in my body.
I try to mentally let the lady behind the counter know how much of a hurry I'm in, while also glancing precariously at the computer screen booting up, hoping to see the words 'log in' appear.
But they never come.
I walk back over and do the silly 'hit random buttons and shake the mouse' dance we all do when we're desperate for something to change, but it only makes things worse - so I just shut the whole thing down again and move over to the one next to me (the girl there having just left). She seems to have shut hers down too, so I push the reboot button then shuffle back to the counter to pick up my bagel and ice cold strawberry kiwi snapple drink: you know - the drink from heaven? The one I've been dreaming about all morning? I place it in my drink pocket - knowing I'm in a hurry and wont have time to sip until later.
Coming back to the screen I find it still loading - and I'm now five more minutes late for my meeting, so I give up and run out the door. Luckily my class is in the building right to me, so I'm only out in the snow for a few seconds before reaching the warm hallway: just enough time to note how pretty yet cold it looks outside.
I start climbing the stairs, and next thing I know I'm on the floor - something shattering beneath me. Snapple drink is quickly decorating the stair way, and I groan as I realize I've tripped over my feet again. I've become rather adapt at that.
Just when I'm about to sink back down to the floor, the girl nearest me immediately stops to help. Saying something beautiful like "I'll go grab paper towels", she runs back up the stairs and disappears. I'm still staring at the floor when no less than four more girls offer to help. I politely decline, saying someone's already gone for towels, but a few of them stop anyway, and set down their bags. Three more disappear for towels as I begin picking up the broken pieces of glass. Another helps me guide people around the mess and on through the stairs. Every single person, coming up and down, offers to help or - if in a rush like me, gives an appreciated look of sorrow. Feeling an enormous love for these strangers, I thank them but show them we're fine, and begin to pick up even more bits of broken glass. That's when I see the blood running down my hand. Apparently picking up glass with your bare hands is not the way to go.
Some more girls appear with paper towels, and I grab one to stop the bleeding. I'm still feeling so grateful for these awesome strangers when another shows up at the bottom of the stairs with a towel and says she's called the janitor and he'll be here in a minute. She starts cleaning up what's fallen to the bottom floor, as the first girl turns back to me and says something beautiful again - something like "Are you late for class? Why don't you go get that finger cleaned up and we'll finish up." I want to run and hug this angel, but they kept telling me to go, and I know the rest of my group was waiting for me outside of class. We only had two minutes now to run over our lines before presenting.
I walk into the room with a bloody hand and a destroyed meal - but a grateful heart.
Realizing, however, that I still don't have my lines, I momentarily panic - whipping out my computer and planning on simply reading from the screen if needs be. But then my professor saves the day by deciding to start class with a review - giving me plenty of time to copy my notes onto note cards before we begin.
And then another girl in my class makes my day even more amazing by whipping out a bag of snickerdoodles and anouncing that she had made treats for us all to share.
And then my teacher lets us out early to get started on our final papers for next week.
And then I walk down the stairs and see the cleaned steps and I wanted to hug everyone again.
And then I go outside and its no longer snowing.
And then I go home and log on my computer - ready to start my mountain of papers. But even then - with the prospect of hours of homework ahead - God will not let me mope! It seems he is determined to remind me how pointless sorrow can be - and how crucial a good attitude.
I log onto my student e-mail to see I have a message from the financial aid department. Thinking it's merely some more fees I owe, I switch over to my awards page to see the amount.
$500 in my account. Wait...what? In? Yup! Right there - next to the amount is the word 'award' - Faith Aagard Gormley award - $500! I have NO idea what I did to receive this grant, NO idea how the money got in my account, by I'm secretly hugging every single person in a ten mile radius, and thanking whoever Faith Gormley is for being the most awesome human being on the planet right now. Then I google her and find out she's dead - which I should have guessed simply because it's some award - so I thank her for being the most awesome person in Heaven right now.

So, sitting here, typing with band-aids on my fingers and an empty stomach, I can't help but be glad.

Rexburg is a beautiful place, no? While I still have four papers to write, a film to watch, three tests to study, six chapters and one book to read, I am grateful to find myself surrounded by people just as busy as I with such generous hearts. This school is remarkable, and I am thankful every day to be a part of it.

I don't know what it is - but God has something great planned for me. He has something great planned for all of us - and I'm grateful I've finally wised up enough to stop trying to get there myself.

He knows what he's doing, even if I don't. He knows what I need - broken pieces of glass and all.