Life passes: sometimes fast, sometimes slow.
Presently I find myself in a stage of uncertanity. I cannot decide whether I would like thing to speed up or slow down. I desire what lies ahead, enormously - desperately, even. I want it beyond any dream at all. And yet I feel unprepared and frightened: frightened that without proper concentration and experience, my future will not be the future I desire. This uncertainty has left my brain in a jumbled mess.
In the morning I'm staring at a blank wall, seeing everything while seeing nothing: my imagination bumbling around in my head. Then I realized there are things to be done in the world, so I go out and I do them, and suddenly time stands still. A second is an hour, and an hour a day - and there's a never ending supply of things to be done, and never an end to each day. Hours spent in action with no correlation to my thoughts, which usually leads to even longer hours of correction and 're-action'. With my mind ten light years beyond my current position, more mistakes are made than not.
And then I find myself back in bed, and it begins again. Hours spent not in sleep, but in transfixed contemplation: again staring at the wall, again not seeing the wall...
My mind will not shut off. It runs day and night. I feel there are thing to be thought, things to be learned, things to discover, things to read: things that cannot happen in the hours of the day nor when chaos subsides...I feel and see and think and hear all these jumbled mismatched thoughts and I try desperately to put them aside. To place them in files or bags: to write them down, to scribble a note, to do anything and everything to keep them for later - to lay them down before the thought subsides: for it is foolish to think it will linger for long.
To find the balance between hours of creative thought and hours of actual labor has become my greatest challenge.
I tell people I'll be an author; spending a life publishing books. I tell people I'll be a wanderer; never laying rest to the world. I tell people I'll be an aider; helping those I can, and those I can't. I tell people I'll be a mother; 5 girls and a man by my side. I tell people I am a Latter-Day Saint; a Child of God, a Mormon.
I tell people over and over again all my hopes and dreams, all my wishes and desires...and then I go off and become those things.
But sometimes I forget the future. Sometimes I think in the now.
And sometimes I forget the now. Sometimes I think in the future.
Over and over and over again I find myself struggling for that happy medium, seeking for that equilibrium, searching for that peaceful middle.
So here I am, pondering away...looking for the beginning, yearning for an end, and getting lost in the middle.
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