14 things that I adore:

1. Weather:

                                                   

The gust of wind as it lifts you off your feet.

The gentle fall of a flake as snow comes into being.

The pounding touch of rain as it claims your senses and ensnares your soul.

2. Imagination. Dreams:

Our ability to see beyond the boundaries of reason - the rules set in place by mankind. To look into the mind and unlock its secrets. It's a scary thing, filled with worlds of the unknown, waiting to be born. A scary, but altogether extraordinary thing.

3. Books:

4. More specifically - Stories:

If I could meet every soul on this planet I would. Past, present, future...Meet them and speak with them. Be best friends with them - just to hear their story. 

And yes, even Hitler.

Everyone has something spectacular within them - something completely their own. Even if spectacularly horrible - it's still something worth acknowledgement. The chance to see what lies within each human soul...that's what I would adore.

5. In a different genre of specification - Words:
I adore words.
In stories, in books, in film, in speech, in life...
When strung together by the simplest of threads, they can pierce through the human heart.

6. Music:

Something so extraordinary, it speaks to our entire being; touching the hearts of every living thing.
I do not see Music as our universal language, nor even a universal feeling...but rather a sort of understanding we share: an understanding in its beauty and power.
We may all react to a sound, a medley, a tune... but not in the same way. What's powerful and moving to one may be dreadfully dull to another. And yet...there's hardly a soul alive that does not recognize it's importance and ability to change a life - perhaps even forever.

7. Smiles, Tears and Laughter:

A child's laugh. A toothless grin. A drop of joy as it trickles away. Even the thickest of souls can be torn to withering shreds by a sentence of tears, a chorus of laughter and a slight curve of the lips.

8. Love:

I don't know much about love, for I've only experienced a chapter in the book, but someday I will have begun to live it all - and I look forward to the day that new life arrives. For now, I will simply live in what I have been given to enjoy.

9. Prayer:

The chance to speak with the ultimate giver of Love.

10. Travel:

The one thing I would be happy spending the rest of my life doing. In this instance - pictures definitely speak louder than words.

11. The World:

So much to see, so much to offer, so much to experience. I don't think a single life is enough to explore it all, but luckily we've been surrounded by thousands who have experienced the parts we cannot. Which is another reason why I love books and stories so much.

12. The Moon:

For a very long time, I was terrified of space.
Eternity. The vast unknown. Never ending skies...the idea of continuing on and on forever is one that has scared me often.
And yet...recently, very recently in fact, I've begun to view life through a new lens. A more... permanent one: one so life altering that it has not only turned this fear upside down, but placed within me an undying desire - one I'm afraid may lead me to exciting and new discoveries.
And yes...I'm afraid.
(Sorry if that made no sense. I do that often...)

13. The Stars:

Twinkling lights. The windows to the universe. Beauty beyond beauty...words cannot explain...

14. The Never-ending Skies:

One word. Phenomenal.

There was an event that occurred today in church, during our Sunday School class. A man I know and respect (in fact, one of the greatest men I know) gave a simply remark that caused offense in another. It was something small, a comment to which most would simply laugh or push aside. However, this particular man took great offense – storming out of the room, only to reenter at classes end to grab his companion and leave once more, this time less reserved in his emotion. He allowed his anger to release some irritated and troubling words, placing blame where it did not lie. It was clear that the gentlemen’s words with whom he had taken offense was in no way responsible or to blame for the explosive event. Yes, such things are troubling to watch, and guilt is usually is a side effect when we cause another pain, but we cannot control the actions (or reactions) of others. There was most certainly underlying doubts and concerns that had caused this particular man grief before. As his shouts died with his growing distance to the church, a disconcerted silence fell in the room, but order quickly ensued and 3^rd hour commenced.

Yet my mind was unsettled. I could not understand why such an event would trouble me so. After all, this man had no direct relation to me. His offense was taken from the words of another, his anger not directed openly toward me. But this singular event was causing me much pause – filling my thoughts entirely, so much so that I had to remind myself to take part in current conversation throughout the day.

Later, when left to my thoughts, I had the opportunity to examine them more closely – so as to find the cause of my distress. There I found the man – his hurt face before mine – and I felt the strings in my heart break once again as I heard his words ring again through my mind; “I’m never coming back! Never!”

Loss of faith - from a small, jesting remark. At first I may have been a little shocked, a little offended that he would blame such an innocent quip for his doubt and disbelief, but as my emotions calmed I began to examine my suppositions; turning away from assumptions and assessments, and turning instead to heartfelt thought and prayer. A few simple answers followed:

Faith is a fragile thing. If not properly tried and tested, it cannot grow. Likewise, however, if we do not properly cared for and nourish our faith, it can and will break at the seams. It has taken me 19 1/2 years to build up the testimony I have today, and even mine is not perfected. There will be more events, more trials, more ‘jests’ that will someday try my faith in the Gospel, even my faith in my fellowmen. If I am not properly preparing every moment I can, I too may fall to blame and retreat.

I do not know this man well enough to know what led to and from this incident. I do not know him well enough to judge him at all from this event. All I know is of God’s love. I know that it is extended to all – even this hurt and upset man, the very same man who stood before the congregation a week prior and bore testimony that we should “Love everyone.”

That is enough for me – enough to hope and pray that like all of us, he did not give up when broken. We all will break, probably multiple times throughout our lives. And we all can be put together again, through the strength and guidance of our Heavenly Father and the Atoning sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ.

However troubling today’s events were, I am grateful. It caused emotions to rise within me, emotion of grief, emotion of sorrow, emotion of doubt…It was an opportunity give to me by the Lord to find my own pin-pricked holes in my faith; to find them and fill them before a straw of upset or disbelief could bring width to my fears.

But most of all, I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me, and who loves us all, and for his Son, Jesus Christ, and the sacrifice he made for me – the Atoning sacrifice that allows me to rise again when I fall.

♫♪♫

I’ve been watching a lot of youtube videos recently – specifically ones of people singing. For instance – today I picked popular songs, such as Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” or Demi Lovato’s new “Skyscraper” single, and typed the titles into the search box. Then I’d click on random covers people have done and listen to them back to back. It’s been amazing really – hearing such unique voices from all over the globe sing the same tune, same words, some notes…and yet the videos were so different and so personal to each individual singing! Each one made me happy to be alive. I saw so many beautiful souls in each of those video – unique individuals from all over the world – and instantly I wanted to befriend all of them. What’s Connie’s story? Where did David learn to sing like that? Has Hannah ever had lessons? Who is Emma singing to? She must care for them a lot. I wonder why Tyler picked that song – and what does Stephen want to be when he grows up? Is he going to be a doctor, or save lives through song?

Music is so powerful. It doesn’t matter where you are, how you sing, what style you bring to your voice – music is music and it always touches a part of your soul that nothing else can.

People say it’s the universal language, but I don’t think so. I don’t even think music can be described as a universal feeling. That suggests that a medley or song means roughly the same thing to everyone. We all speak and feel in different ways; Think, dream, imagine, create, learn, explore, experience, understand, love…we hold each of these in different esteems, use them in different atmospheres, react to them in different means…

And yet – it can unite us like almost nothing else.

If that’s not magic, I don’t know what is.

extraordinary

I've always found 'extraordinary' to be a funny word. It doesn't seem like it should mean what it means, but then again that's the majority of the English language. Words a funny little conundrums, aren't they? And yet I love them. Hence my major.

I wonder if anyone else out there thinks or feels or acts the way I do? I don't mean in the general sense, because we all have things in common with each other. I mean - another human being who is just like me. Someone who likes the same things I like, someone who thinks the same way I think, who loves the way I love...We're all so unique, I doubt there is a single person exactly like another, and yet - I've never met someone with whom I cannot relate in someway. Most I can even connect with in almost every way, but there's always something that sets them apart. Something that makes them unique or different.
It's beautiful really, how we can be so similar yet so exceptionally diverse.

It's extraordinary :)

strength in numbers

We are human. We are imperfect.

These two qualities connect us more than any other, but they are also the very lines that pulls us apart. Our inability to understand the imperfections and human tendencies of others is what creates conflict and strife.

We seek for understanding – we yearn for someone who will tell us that what we feel, what we think, and what we do is not abnormal; that we are not strange. We seek for empathy, not sympathy; reception not acceptance. We seek for love.

And yet…when we come across someone who has felt what we’ve felt in some way, or done what we have done, we cast them away. We view them as mockeries to our pain, or even an aching reminder of the brutalities of life.

We build walls around our pain, our suffering, our mistakes…We hide behind stones of concealment, because we are sure we alone know; We alone understand what it feels like – what it means to be us.

This is the hard truth of it all:

There is only one who knows. Only one who understands. Only one who can even comprehend the logic and reason behind each action – each choice we make.

And it is not us.

How often do we fail to recognize our own behavioral instincts, until it is too late? It is one of the very reasons we slip up. It is the core to our imperfections.

We rely too much on ourselves.

It is not wrong to place faith in our own ability to choose right from wrong. Agency is the greatest gift ever given to man, and our free will is what makes life on earth possible. We have strength and power beyond anything we could ever imagine, but even those of us who recognize this are scared. Afraid to act, afraid to reach that potential…afraid of success. We are more scared of our ability to do good than our ability to do evil – because it is the harder option. More opposition, more strength, more desire… Our human nature is to take the easier path, so most of us do.

And when we do, we begin to look down upon ourselves, because we know we can do better. Deep inside of us we know there is the ability to stand on our own two feet. We know because we’ve done it before.

We have all chosen the harder path. It was a decision made long ago, when we chose life on Earth, when we rejected Satan’s plan…We set ourselves apart from the rest. We chose a mortal life – an opportunity to learn and to grow. An opportunity to feel, sorrow and pain – yes, but also joy, happiness, relief…love. We chose this!

And we can chose it again.

But not alone.

Never alone.

                I’m pretty sure I’m just rambling now, but I do believe firmly in the power of companionship. The power of friends and family – the power of just being together, as a team. When we work alone, no matter how strong we think we are, or how strong we really are, we will always be more prone to pain, hurt, anger…sin. All of Satan’s tactics work stronger on the separated – the individuals.

As painful as it may be to seek a confidant, find someone to rely on – it is the only road that leads to perfection.

Separate, we are human. Separate we are imperfect.

But together – together we are children of God.

I seem to be living my life in reverse. I was born a girl - that much is certain. I've got pink baby dresses and buckets of dolls to prove it. But growing up in a household of boys quickly altered my personality. I played with ninja turtles and power rangers much more than barbies and house sets. In fact - I didn't even own my own barbie till I was 11, and I think I played with it twice. I never wore makeup, except when playing "pretend". I never wore dresses if I could help it. I changed my favorite color from blue to pink when everyone else said their favorite was blue (I wanted to be different), but almost as soon as I did that I switched it again; pink was much too girly. I switched from violin to cello, because violin was a "sissy" instrument, and for most of my life my hair has never been long enough to touch my shoulders. These may seem like silly things, but nevertheless they made me much less a "girl" than the rest of my female friends. I have distinct memories of girls in elementary school getting mad at me for hanging out all the time with the boys they liked. I had no problem talking to them; if I wanted to play kickball with the boys during recess I would, instead of worrying about if they liked me or not, or if I made a fool of myself. I never understood why the girls were upset with me for "hanging out" with guys until middle school. I didn't even have a real "crush" until middle school. Scratch that. I didn't really like guys till High School, and even then they were friends first, and "crushes" next. 

When I go back and look at my journals growing up, I have entries before my mom was pregnant with both Luke and Joe. Both times I remember writing about wanting a baby sister, and how much fun that would be, but when two boys followed I never complained or wished otherwise. I don't think I've ever regretted being the only girl. It has perks - my own room at 11, my own clothes (at least for the most part), my own 'unofficial' bathroom. I love all 5 of my brothers (haha, jk. All 6), and I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had with them for anything.

But I'd be lying if I said I've remained the same. I'd be lying if I said I was happy still, being alone in the mix.

It's almost laughable how "girly" I've become.
Obsessed with fashion, art, boys, chick flicks, romance stories, make up (even though I still don't wear it), dresses, 'feelings', fairy tales, drama, naming children, watching children, playing with children, children in general, crafts, housekeeping, design, colors, flowers, scents, beauty...I mean the list goes on and on! I get embarrassed every time I think about it, because it just seems so out of character to me. I've even grown my hair out these past few months. I think it's the longest it's ever been.

And just today - I was overcome with the strongest desire I've ever had...the desire for a sister. Someone to talk to, in my own family. Someone to tell secrets to, and giggle with. Have sleepovers with. Someone to help me dress up and someone to talk to about boys. Someone to cry over cheesy movies with, and create murals for my wall with...it was such a strange and foreign desire to me; it made me cry. Seriously, have I become the leaky faucet of the century? I almost wanted to slap my eyes silly when I felt tears falling. It's the one thing I don't think I'll ever be okay with, being a female. How much I cry.

But as I was thinking about all these strange new emotions I've been dealing with, I realized something even more unusual...something that should have been obvious from the beginning...I AM A GIRL! 

I mean, obviously, I've got some body parts that have never changed - so I've always been a girl, but I mean that I've always been a girl; always, deep down -These emotions aren't new, they were just suppressed for years, and while it may have mad growing up a bit easier for me in some regards - it's making it worse for me now, cause it's like these feelings are double what they should be. I think I feel twice as hard as I should about some things...and sometimes it makes me an emotional wreck. I'm sorry if you've ever been on the receiving end of that. I promise I'm working on mastering my mood swings. I think I've made progress this semester.

And while I've now become an odd mixture of the two - I think the one emotion that has taken strongest hold is the desire for a sister. A real, flesh and blood sister. And I'm really a selfish person, so for me to say I want someone to share everything with is saying something...

I can't go back and change time. All I can do is keep working toward a brighter future.

I don't even remember why I started this blog post now. I don't think it was to vent about being female...but that's what it turned into! Sorry...my heart and brain aren't quite on speaking terms right now. Brain wants to be finish up the semester; heart wants to watch bones and eat ice cream. Alas, the choices in life!

If you actually read this through to the end - I just gave you a cyber high five for being awesome. Pass it along. (The high five, not the rant).

simple joys that bring my soul to life

• drawing pen across paper
• looking at the moon
• wind
• music that sparks memories
• laughter
• children
• staring at something beautiful
• stories
• life/earth/the world