I seem to be living my life in reverse. I was born a girl - that much is certain. I've got pink baby dresses and buckets of dolls to prove it. But growing up in a household of boys quickly altered my personality. I played with ninja turtles and power rangers much more than barbies and house sets. In fact - I didn't even own my own barbie till I was 11, and I think I played with it twice. I never wore makeup, except when playing "pretend". I never wore dresses if I could help it. I changed my favorite color from blue to pink when everyone else said their favorite was blue (I wanted to be different), but almost as soon as I did that I switched it again; pink was much too girly. I switched from violin to cello, because violin was a "sissy" instrument, and for most of my life my hair has never been long enough to touch my shoulders. These may seem like silly things, but nevertheless they made me much less a "girl" than the rest of my female friends. I have distinct memories of girls in elementary school getting mad at me for hanging out all the time with the boys they liked. I had no problem talking to them; if I wanted to play kickball with the boys during recess I would, instead of worrying about if they liked me or not, or if I made a fool of myself. I never understood why the girls were upset with me for "hanging out" with guys until middle school. I didn't even have a real "crush" until middle school. Scratch that. I didn't really like guys till High School, and even then they were friends first, and "crushes" next. 

When I go back and look at my journals growing up, I have entries before my mom was pregnant with both Luke and Joe. Both times I remember writing about wanting a baby sister, and how much fun that would be, but when two boys followed I never complained or wished otherwise. I don't think I've ever regretted being the only girl. It has perks - my own room at 11, my own clothes (at least for the most part), my own 'unofficial' bathroom. I love all 5 of my brothers (haha, jk. All 6), and I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had with them for anything.

But I'd be lying if I said I've remained the same. I'd be lying if I said I was happy still, being alone in the mix.

It's almost laughable how "girly" I've become.
Obsessed with fashion, art, boys, chick flicks, romance stories, make up (even though I still don't wear it), dresses, 'feelings', fairy tales, drama, naming children, watching children, playing with children, children in general, crafts, housekeeping, design, colors, flowers, scents, beauty...I mean the list goes on and on! I get embarrassed every time I think about it, because it just seems so out of character to me. I've even grown my hair out these past few months. I think it's the longest it's ever been.

And just today - I was overcome with the strongest desire I've ever had...the desire for a sister. Someone to talk to, in my own family. Someone to tell secrets to, and giggle with. Have sleepovers with. Someone to help me dress up and someone to talk to about boys. Someone to cry over cheesy movies with, and create murals for my wall with...it was such a strange and foreign desire to me; it made me cry. Seriously, have I become the leaky faucet of the century? I almost wanted to slap my eyes silly when I felt tears falling. It's the one thing I don't think I'll ever be okay with, being a female. How much I cry.

But as I was thinking about all these strange new emotions I've been dealing with, I realized something even more unusual...something that should have been obvious from the beginning...I AM A GIRL! 

I mean, obviously, I've got some body parts that have never changed - so I've always been a girl, but I mean that I've always been a girl; always, deep down -These emotions aren't new, they were just suppressed for years, and while it may have mad growing up a bit easier for me in some regards - it's making it worse for me now, cause it's like these feelings are double what they should be. I think I feel twice as hard as I should about some things...and sometimes it makes me an emotional wreck. I'm sorry if you've ever been on the receiving end of that. I promise I'm working on mastering my mood swings. I think I've made progress this semester.

And while I've now become an odd mixture of the two - I think the one emotion that has taken strongest hold is the desire for a sister. A real, flesh and blood sister. And I'm really a selfish person, so for me to say I want someone to share everything with is saying something...

I can't go back and change time. All I can do is keep working toward a brighter future.

I don't even remember why I started this blog post now. I don't think it was to vent about being female...but that's what it turned into! Sorry...my heart and brain aren't quite on speaking terms right now. Brain wants to be finish up the semester; heart wants to watch bones and eat ice cream. Alas, the choices in life!

If you actually read this through to the end - I just gave you a cyber high five for being awesome. Pass it along. (The high five, not the rant).