I have a very hard time coming up with complete thoughts. Sometimes I feel a sudden burst of creativity - I'll pull out some paper, or sit down to my computer and write away, but about ten seconds in, I find that creativity has gone and I'm left staring at the words I've just penned, wondering where to go next.

Sometimes I am able to carry on, and sometimes I just store it away, to pull out later when that wind picks up again.

My creative writing blog: http://diemitteistjetzt.blogspot.com/  holds some examples of these moments of complete and utter failure. You'd think I was going somewhere with all these thoughts...but really - I have nothing...just a paragraph.

Woe to the fickle mind, that yearns for elongated guidance in all. I suppose I'll just have to make do with my short bursts for now...

Physics, according to me.

Quite literally just wrote the following while trying to finish my Physics homework.

1. Suppose a piece of wood is burned. All the products produced are carefully caught and their masses are measured. (Ignore any effects suggested by the Special Theory of Relativity.)

a. Describe what would be observed.

b. Name and state (define) in your own words the fundamental conservation principle that would explain what would happen.

c. Explain what would happen in terms of the fundamental conservation principle. Be explicit and accurate in describing what changes occur and what is conserved.

Obviously you would be staring at a block of wood - watching it turn to smoke and ash; supposing, of course, that you actually sat there for however long it took and just stared at the log…which seems a silly waste of time to me, unless you were using the wood to keep warm. But then I would assume you were in the company of someone much more interesting than that block of wood – a nice cup of hot coco, or a beautiful man for instance – and would instead be focusing your attention on them, but that's just me here assuming - which really is all this is anyway isn't it? Because you are assuming I would actually collect all the ash and smoke in a bag following the process and carefully measure their masses - but isn't it much more likely that I'd be counting the marshmallows in my drink, or chatting with the handsome man to my left, and paying no attention  to the smoke at all? Except for the few moments when the wind decided it would be kind to blow the fowl stuff in my face and make it impossible for me to laugh at the cute mans joke...



Don't worry - I deleted the paragraph and started over before I actually submitted the assignment. But honestly - I was much more detailed in the answer above...

For the record...I don't care.

I don't care if people are only 'trending' with this whole Kony 2012 thing. Just like I don’t care if people only ‘go green’ because it’s cool, or help out a charity to ‘look cool’, or donate blood for the free shirt.

Help is help, no matter what the motives are behind it.

So what if global warming turns out to be a myth? So what if there’s some secret conspiracy behind the people selling energy efficient light bulbs? So what if it turns out only 25% of your donation went straight to solving the problem, and the rest was spent on making your shirt?

I DON’T CARE. You can complain all you want, but I will keep donating to charities, I will keep buying Toms at full price, and on April 20th, I will go out and hang posters with all the other crazy volunteers - because there is no such thing as a ‘bandwagon’ when it comes to making the world a better place.

I don't care who's behind the promoting, I don't care who's behind the work, and I don't care who's simply pushing 'share' on a link.

Even if there's only a 1 in 10000 chance of saving a life, or helping the earth - I'm taking that chance.

It's better than doing nothing at all.

Don't Burn the Book

Sometimes we feel meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
We see the lives of others displayed on a screen, written in a book, photographed and quoted and plastered all over the earth... We see these lives and think "Who am I, compared to such a man? Who am I to be proud of my life - when I have no such accomplishments?"
Sometimes it is the life of the wealthy we watch. We watch them stand atop the world and laugh in the face of misfortune - laugh when trouble comes their way. We see their joy and their wealth as synonymous things, neither obtainable without the other. And so we see their lives and wonder "Why him and not me?"
Sometimes it is the life of the beautiful - the life of the 'flawless' human being; their image plastered over every paper, every billboard, every screen... It is little wonder we attribute daily suffering to the impurities of our own bodies. We see them and dream of the freedom they must feel or the peace they must find in their perfection.
And then we see those who have risen from the ashes of a broken life: we hear stories of 'rags to riches', stories where the hero comes from humble origins to conquer the world. We assume that he is happy because of his fame and prosperity, and that his past was merely a temporal state of being: one he overcame...one he outgrew. Sometimes it is this soul whom we hate the most: hate for succeeding in his goal, hate for doing what we have yet to achieve, hate for being someone we are not.
And sometimes we simply look at another - no words exchanged, no past revealed - and think "Why can't I be him? Why can't I be her?"

We spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to others. It is impossible, mentally and physically, for any one of us to see another human being without wondering who they are: wondering where they came from, and what they have to offer.,, Each and every soul on this earth is drawn to another - sometimes in love, sometimes in hate, sometimes in simply curiosity! A potential friendship, a potential love.,, Sometimes we see and we dismiss within seconds, and sometimes a single soul will imprint a lasting memory - one that will stay with us for the rest of our lives.

I seem to be using the word 'sometimes' a lot...but in reality there is no way to know which life will change us, and which life will not. We cannot place labels, dates or times on an individual, for they are not simply a face to be seen or a name to be heard. There is a life behind each letter and life behind each smile. We are all a story, waiting to be told - waiting to be shared and experienced and plastered on walls. We want to be seen by the world but feel the world will not open its eyes to see us.

We may not all end up in a movie, or have our stories written down in a book, but that does not mean our lives are not there. That does not mean we are not a 'somebody', that we are not a life on this earth. Each and every one of us is a part of something more. There is no soul, living or dead who has meant nothing to this world: no soul capable of a presence here without adding a page or two to earth's tale.

Life is a story.

You are a story.

There are characters besides your own in there - don't shut the book on them too.

Dear brain, some sleep would be nice. Love, Maddy

Some people party, some people eat – but when I celebrate my birthday, I usually just sit…and think! [soak in that oblique rhyme – you know you love it].

I often feel like Pooh – sitting in the corner of a room, tapping my hand against my head – as I contemplate various ‘things’. Things – a word which here means ‘pots, puzzles, children, chocolate, home, books, phones, words, blue Chevys, alarm clocks, pie and some glue.’ I usually feel just about as chubby as Pooh too, with various bowls of pretzels, cold cereal, oranges and even a delectable honey sandwich by my side. I’d  like to say this was special birthday behavior, but really this is what I spend most of my days doing: sitting in front of a computer, thinking about ‘things’.

Last week I thought about dead things. Morbid, I know, but the brain thinks what it wants – all I do is the writing. I wrote a lot about swimming, some trees and a fog. I think there was a bit with a man and some rain too, but sometimes it’s hard to remember what things the brain thought without looking it back up, and I’m too busy thinking up this thought to go searching for a past one just now.

Today is my last day as a teenager. That word sounds so silly and young to me, and I’ve never really felt much like a ‘teenager’ before, but I doubt most kids do. You’re always just the age you are and never more. Too old to be a child, too young to be an adult…

I certainly don’t feel like an adult: no, much more like a ‘Maddy’ than an adult. I’d say that’s probably the best word to describe me. Maddy, just Maddy – and going by anything else would simply be foolish.

I had a friend ask me what I was going to do for my birthday tomorrow. I didn’t know what to say, for I hadn’t yet thought about what I wrote just now. For the past few years January 17^th has been pretty much your basic, normal day – filled with a few extra well-wishes and smiles, and a bit more ice cream than normal yes – but normal nonetheless.

When I think of those years before, when a party was planned and presents delivered, I realized that regardless of such events I pretty much did the same things I do now.

I’ve changed very little in the past 20 years.

Sometimes I spend my birthday’s reading. Again – normal, everyday behavior, but I’d say I do it a little more so on ‘special’ days…like Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other Friday. Sometimes an occasional Labor Day read will occur. It’s the best way to get new things in one’s head, and how will one who enjoys thinking up new thinks and writing new writes write anything at all if they do not fill their head with new things to be thought and new ideas to be wrought and new words to be brought onto paper?

They don’t.

So I read.

You can judge me (especially for those ridiculous rhymes above), you can laugh at me, you can call me a bore – I honestly don’t mind. While you’re busy making fun of me for being such a loner, sitting indoors and staring at walls – thinking up forests and paper and playgrounds and tennis courts and people and all sorts of odd things – I’ll be busy working on my future.

I’ll be busy thinking, because that’s my life occupation – thinking up words. And once I’m done, I’ll have a whole world in my hands, to mold and shape and create any way I’d like. And if I do it right, and I do it well, you’ll hear of it soon enough.

So what will I be doing tomorrow you ask?

Same thing I did the day before, and the day before, and two weeks before that:

I’ll think.

It seems silly to say 'time flies', for various cliche reasons - none of which are worth mentioning here, but indeed it does. Another year gone and we're still kickin' on! 

Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

This is usually the part where you put down all the wonderful things that happened to you this year, followed by all that you're going to do next year. But if you really cared about that, you'd call me up and ask me to tell it to your face, instead of just reading it second hand on some automatic post that will appear eventually on my facebook timeline. And what's more, I don't care much for telling you, as I have already written this all down in my private journal and my hand is starting to cramp up from the process. Ah, look at me - the new year's not even begun and I'm already finding things to complain about. 

Hands

Paper

Pretzels

^ All things I'm thankful for, and am now telling you so I can avoid looking like a jerk.

I will, however, tell you those pesky new years resolutions I've drawn up. I figure it'll be my contribution to the holiday, as I'll be spending my evening doing what I do very often on new years...no, not partying...yes, that's right: babysitting. Go ahead and look at me funny, but I don't mind - I do it a lot. And someday I'll need to steal some girl away from her family to watch my crazy kids, so I'll even out the universe then.

#1) Don't be such a slob Maddy!

I've been known for most of my life as the messy slob of the house, never quite having what could be considered as a 'clean' room (even when I moved out of it), and somehow never managing to exit a room without leaving some trail behind. This has been a work in progress for the past 20 years, and I'd like to think that I've accomplished something since I graduated high school, but unless learning how to be more creative with how I hide stuff counts as organization, than I'd be wrong. It's time to pull out the 'prized boxes' of junk and bring in the trash bags! Theoretically, the less stuff I have the less mess I'll be able to make.

Theoretically...what a beautiful and weird looking word.

#2) Project: MONEY SCRIMP AND SAVE

I  have to major events coming up this year - both of which will cost me big in the money department. First, I have London in the fall, where I have applied to study abroad with the BYUI English department. The first $500 deposit I've paid for, but I've still got a long ways to go before I've covered the rest of the expenses. This has been on my plan list since I was 12 though, so I'll do whatever it takes to save those pennies.

Another 12 year old dream that just happens to coincide with my travel plans this year is a mission. The 17th of this month will mark my 'year away' point. I've been preparing for this one for years as well, but unfortunately the 12 year old mind doesn't think in fiscal terms...nor does the 19 year old one, apparently. While I have little currently set aside for these two events, I do have some, and that some will soon become enough so long as I learn that lesson I should have learned when walking came into the picture: 

budgeting. 

#3) Read, read and read. Then write.

As always, my reading list has grown to substantially great heights, and it's time to tackle it once more. With the time I don't spend these next few months working for money, I will be hacking away at that monstrous list and hopefully leaving it behind with a noticeable dent. 

Than I'll do what every aspiring writing does: I'll steal their ideas and write the next great novel!

#4) Don't wait until New Years to make resolutions!

I've never had much trouble with this - I'm very good at coming up with plans.

I suppose it's the doing part that I'm skimpy with. So let me revise that beginning statement to read: 'Don't wait until New Years to start acting!'

I love that line in I Am a Child of God: "teach me all that I must do" - what an inspired change, from 'know' to 'do'. If I have one wish for this year, it is that I will finally learn when to stop thinking and start acting. There is much still I have to learn, but I have long since passed the point where idle observation is acceptable.

So I suppose the real motto for my new year should be: 'MADDY! GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING TODAY!'

Ah, what a wonderful message.

Happy New Years to you all! 

Rats

Heels touch the ground like
A battering ram on a dam wall:
Applying just enough pressure to
Spill out the wet river
Of dark red and black.

Swimming in inflamed
Tears of blood, splinters around my toes
And feet make me add salt to the flow.
Oh my poor damaged soles:
Never again whole!

The sun dries the flood
Of color on my feet, but it does
Nothing to end the knowledge of sleep -
Deprivation ahead.
And my sores now think -

All this from a little midnight snack?